One of the things that seems to get lost in discussions of depression is that you know it's ridiculous, you know most people manage to wake up in the morning and get out of bed. You know most people are able to brush their teeth and have a shower and organise themselves enough to go out the front door, and that it's not a big deal. Yet I was in it's grip and unable to figure out a way around it.
And then the anxiety set in. It's a sensation similar to the one you feel when you slip over, and the ground rushing up at you-but instead of lasting half a second the way that does, it lasts years. It's a sensation of being afraid all the time, but without anything tangible to be afraid of.
People think of depression as being just sadness. It's much, too much sadness, much too much grief at too slight a cause. One doesn't think in depression that you've put on a grey veil and are seeing the world through the fog of a bad mood. You think that the veil has been taken away, the veil of happiness, and that now you're seeing truly.
What I didn't know then, and do know now, is that endurance can be the entryway to forging meaning. After you've forged meaning, you need to incorporate that meaning into a new identity. You need to take the traumas and make them part of who you've come to be, and you need to fold the worst events of your life into a triumph, creating a better self in response to things that hurt.
So now people say, "Do you feel happy all the time?" I don't. But I don't feel sad about having to eat lunch, or brushing my teeth, and I don't feel sad about taking a shower. I feel sad about professional disappointments, about lost relatives, about jelly fish. Those are the things that I feel sad about now.
And I often ask myself, what is the conclusion? What I have come up with over time is that the people who deny their experience, the ones who say, "I was depressed a long time ago and I never want to think about it again and I'm just going to get on with my life," ironically, those are the people who are most enslaved by what they have. Shutting out the depression strengthens it. The people who do better are the ones who are able to tolerate it and not run from it, those who can tolerate their depression are the ones who achieve resilience.
Our needs are our greatest assets. It turns out I've learned to give all the things I need.
We don't seek the painful experiences that colour our identities, but we seek our identities in the wake of painful experiences. I could not bear a pointless torment, but I can endure great pain if I believe that it's purposeful. Ease makes less of an impression on us than struggle. Maybe I could have been myself without my delights, but not without the struggle that has driven my search for meaning.
These days, my life is vital, even on the days when I'm sad. I have discovered a resilience and endurance inside myself that I had never formulated until that day 4 years ago when hell payed me a surprise visit.
 |
| What Would Rachael Do? |
This is one of the most inspirational and touching things I have experienced. Lovely Anna wrote this on her arm prior to a long long swim in very cold water.
 |
| Vitality |
